Spring has finally sprung in Toronto, and with it the telltale signs of the season. Songbirds are singing, cherry blossoms are blooming and people are doing annoying things on their balcony.
I know winter can be long and isolating, but why must we so quickly forget all balcony etiquette?
It seems that every spring, we step back out onto our little patch of sky and common decency goes out the window with us. Our intentions may start out good, but we end up intemperate, inconsiderate and, on occasion, in custody.
Try to keep your wits about you, people. Just because you are excited to have stepped out onto the balcony does not mean we are excited that you’ve stepped out onto the balcony. You are not the Pope. (And if you are the Pope, forgive me…).
A balcony is supposed to be a place to relax and reflect. For all of us. So, let’s relax a moment and reflect upon how not to act like an airhead, when heading out for air:
Balconies And DJs Do Not Mix
Unless your name is Alexa and I’ve asked you to play music, do not play music. WE. CAN. HEAR. YOU. I’m never one to denigrate someone else’s musical taste, but we are sharing the same general space out there, and to assume that I want to listen to exactly what you want to listen to is crazy. Especially when what you want to listen to is Nickelback. Alexa… call the Condo Board.
Hanging out with an animal can be a ton of fun. Hanging out underneath an animal is less fun. I’m sure Cuddles is enjoying his "walk" up there, but all that growling and howling makes it tough for me to read my book. And I’m not sure that any animal really needs to be up in the air, except for a bird. Oh, and if you’re one of those folks trying to feed birds from your balcony, understand that you are blurring the natural divide between human beings and birds, and morons.
Remember Wherefore Art Thou
People often associate balconies with romance, and for that you can thank Romeo. Not the Romeo from Romeo and Juliet… the Romeo from apartment 1006. The Romeo from apartment 1006 associates balconies with romance really often, despite my complaints and my jealousy. Romeo... WE. CAN. HEAR. YOU. And all that growling and howling makes it tough for me to read my book.
Meating The Neighbours
The only thing more common than a building owner banning the use of a BBQ on the balcony is for the residents of that building to use a BBQ on the balcony. Are we really that gluttonous? Barbecue smoke is a nuisance to your neighbours and the BBQ itself is a fire hazard. So, just don’t bother. And if you do bother, throw your neighbours a bone and throw your neighbours a bone. We are really that gluttonous.
Don't Throw Caution To The Wind
Gravity is pretty much established law in Canada. So, one of the more important things to consider when stepping out on the balcony is whether you have a balcony. But the law extends even further than that and can be summed up as follows: any object thrown, dropped, dripped or barfed off of a balcony will land on the resident below you. I am glad that you take such good care of your plants, but I do not also require daily watering. And if you are sweeping your balcony, please consider that I am not a dustpan. Or at the very least, consider watering me after you cover me in dust.
Oh, yeah… And don’t throw your balcony furniture off your balcony. That’s just basic etiquette.